I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
