I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
