I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
