She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
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I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
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We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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