Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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