you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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