did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
