I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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