I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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