New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
