my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
