I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
