3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
