watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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