Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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