Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
