I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
