I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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