So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
