Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
