So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
