I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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