I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
