hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
