I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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