we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize