Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
