Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
