I have demons in me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
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His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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