Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
