she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
