i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
