My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
