I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
