As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
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She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
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she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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