Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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