I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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