I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Randomize
