I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
