I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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