I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
pray to the hookup gods
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
