Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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