I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
