you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
