Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
