If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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