just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
