Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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