She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
