I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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