Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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