you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
