Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
